I'm exhausted.
The pile of things to be done stands taller than I ever will.
I don't remember what it's like to not hate being outside
or second guess what anyone tells me.
Friends have grown blurry and clear in opposite directions.
16 years of schooling and I still can't manage time.
I get excited about silly things, like going to target and new shampoo.
I don't like anything I have to read.
I don't let God be my crutch
because it's too easy and life is about struggle,
as if I need something else to kill myself fighting.
Lies would be unnecessary if we were more confidant.
More realistic.
More accepting.
I am the only person getting in the way of the number I want to be
and the hardest thing to do is tell myself to step aside.
I can't commit to anything:
that costs more than $10.
that I decide to wear in the morning.
that is more than a day away.
and the more time I spend away from the beach,
the longer i'll want to stay when i get there.
this is what winter does to me:
it freezes a haze over
the things I should stay away from the most
and the things I should hold on to for survival.