I want nothing more than to
run
free from every tie that has kept me
to you
to them
to the ones that hurt the most.
if nothing else were to come
true for me again
i'd give it up
for the moment where i can
be
at home in this skin,
shed the feeling
that this body is temporary.

it won't change tomorrow.

while i have to learned to fake
the confidence i possess
you've taught me the one thing
that has always been missing,
the thing i've ignored the
longest:
everything You make is
beautiful,
and unless you outsourced me
to other towns to make,
you remain the designer
of my every thread.

my nieveity will keep me warm--
i don't believe in winter. it can't snow on me.
i'm not who i was and won't be who i thought,
where the past meets an unprotected heart
and the future can't reach beyond my guards.
you, and everything that means
could never weaken these knees
again. and again

i want to fall into something dark
to deceive myself into feeling
what i won't.
i should be stronger than wishing
for the worst,
and this is still what i do to feel
worth more.
again and again.
we say the just right
to get the just want
and i will believe you every time without
protest. i know as well as you do
our truth is relative.
and we relate
wait,
to fall into the places we've been standing
around
to be in.

I'd rather not remember
the nights
nothing could smooth the edges.
not left to be alone,
but rather chose this for myself
because of reasons
picked.
Picked the way out of falling
for something great
avoiding the slightest chance
at an ending,
the way around fixing the things
i've never wanted to work again.
Affections will never find me
as they never seem to end well
or at least i never stay long enough
to let them.

Here we are again.

me
dizzy from spinning truths
clumsy from holding so many at once
dismayed to find it falling.

you
hold me still for just enough
remind me that i'm only human
ensure me that no one lacks this flaw.

If not for love
For someone, too
For keeping a heart
Like mine is kept
And not for life
A passion beyond
The strength to live
To break all bounds
And not for Grace
I forget to be thankful
I remember too late
He fades, like things
What have I to offer to You
Big
Everywhere
Everything
As a reason for living?
A truth
A revolution
A force demanding reckoning
Broken records play from my lips
God is love
I’m His kid
You are holy
And I know the lines to the parts
I’ll pray for you
It all has a reason
He makes a way
But I’ve since been lead to believe
Without a doubt
Without a flaw
Without perfection
That You
Prefer
My reality.

From here,
i can see all the things
you'd rather hide among the others.

the numbers we carry
in our bags full of history
(books and past)
often hidden beneath layers
attempting to hide
covered by intentions to warm:
we've all become one in the same.

i hide an affection for comfort
anything willing to help ease
the search for a fill.

for you, maybe an aversion to
anything too honest, too real
too easy to grasp and hold on to.

if you remember to look inside
houses you drive by,
search for answered in closed rooms
open windows
you'd find beauty:
your own, mine.

Everyone decides
every morning
that today
will be
different.

I'll eat right.
go on a walk.
talk to god.
and the lonely girl.

today i'll change
20 years of
good intentions
into a lifetime
of good
deeds.

yesterday was a mistake.
i lost focus,
plus
there's so much going
on.

today, though,
i'll be the person
i had intended to be
but got too
busy.
distracted.
tired.

today is the day that
will make the ultimate difference.
and when i go to sleep tonight
i'll know it was
worth.

today became yesterday
yesterday a new tomorrow.
this is how you end up
with my looking character,
stomach,
baggage.

Sing a new song to the one
who deserves the gift
more than anyone who always receives it.

I will dust off the piano keys
and give them purpose.
I will use every part of me
that you've made for praise
and find a way to show you
what a good work you've done in me.

Despite the doubt that i let come in
and crowd the places You've claimed,
and the failures that cloud judgement
only to confuse my worship

i will return again to say what you
dont need to hear
what you already know
what has always remained true:

thanks.

Somewhere

once there was a place i would go
knowing you'd be more than willing
to keep every promise you've ever
written

between

its not that you're not there anymore
its not that you lied
its not that you've left me
here

this

not really a matter of what i need
or an arguement of whether or not
you've done enough for
me

and

never has it only been me
that my decisions have affected
they reach the ends of
us

what

i've found that even when its all right
when everything has lined up just so
that i have nothing to
say

you

the only thing this constant
never changing, never failing
never once a doubt that you'd
stay

do

i ever make you ache
with the pain of seeing pain
the pain felt only by a
father

I

your daughter have hurt myself
walking away into places and lives
i'd rather you never had to
see

left

and promised i would change.
my promises are not like yours.
they become lies before i even
swear

never

will i give any credit to
the strength you have granted
never keeping record of
grace

to

or from the way my hands shake
at the thought of asking
for forgiveness having to
free

admit

for the millionth time
that i have ruined the
same thing once
again

fault.

i never learn.
i'm sorry.
this time, you don't have to
forget.

Led to understand
how you battle your heart
about me
the hardest thing to believe
to always remind
to never stop repeating
is that everyone,
(me,
I)
deserves one who is crazy about
them.
This whole time in the dark,
I've learned to accept
mediocre love,
average affections,
typical devotions
in exchange for an unsettling reminder
that i am
settling.
The question remains the same
as always asked before:
is this my last chance at
ever having something for me?
followed by the ensuing notion
that if i don't settle for this
i'll never get the chance to settle
again.
Again i want to know:
why do you agree
the need for me
to jump on everything
that comes my way,
as if the choice
was never really mine.

Same product, different label.
At some point i will change your mind
about girls like me.
i'm not desperate
i have a life
i'm motivated to get the things i want
i'm driven to have what i need.
There are pletny that share their love
and hate
and indifference
but who could say they aren't in the same
exempt from the affections of
surrounding.
my character could be multiplied
in someone much easier to look on
and accept
and it would be ok for them to lack
the similar talents of courts and fields
found missing in me.
they don't seem half as comtempted
held in esteems of lazy misconceptions
and self hate.
Different labels, we read
despite exact shortcomings.

God is my shepherd
there's nothing i should want, i always find something
i refuse to rest in the greenest of fields
besides the quietest of water.
regardless of my stubborn pride,
he renews my withered strength
while guiding me down the right path
i make my own way instead
missing my opportunity to honor Him
instead ruining a perfect plan.
I fear the dark valley
i do not trust you are with me--
I doubt your protection.
Even in front of all the ones that hate me
discuss my every move
and make special efforts to damage,
you're prepared a table
and proved that i am Yours.
with my cup running over,
not the first time, never the last
I find a away to run from your house.
i run far, i run fast.
Never have i deserved your fill.

Save me from myself.
i'm in a circle of mistakes and redemption
i seem to have forgotten
once upon a moment i knew
that as much as i doubt you
i've lead myself to this hole
as much as i doubt myself
i've left you to be here
you've never once proved me right
only fools do this without You.
I've only pretended to forgive
much more attractive than my grudge
i've only played the healing
never risking the sight of weakness
don't let me continue to play a game
where winning has left me a loser.
loser.
lost.
find me back before i
find a way
to never find you again.

God
stares into the heart of my human-ness
what a mess
His creation
our devotion to ruin
trying to find a truth
or even a longing for one
and all He's found in me is the mess
i've made
kept
of the charity he intended.

I
have let the weight of vice
cloud the rooms of judgement
He's built so carefully
running away from eyes that
search for a need,
and I,
I
have learned to self-supply.

Impression:

Pass me.
take one quick look
and a couple good ones.
Make the assumption you need
to continue on your way
with a piece of me.

Reputation:

They talk.
I let them,
can't stop them
it's a sort of truth
my actions lead them to believe.

Legacy:

Remember/Forgotten
for all i've done/haven't,
forever an example of how to be
or always avoid to end up.

I won't hold back the unkindly words to You
You deserve the right to hear honest cries
listen and act,
see and change
the pains that remain from lies,
from heavy forges of fact.
I'm awake
insides moved with the beliefs of lack--
refusing to believe I've remained rejected
by You.
Unfailing love,
winning glory,
endless comapssion,
not for one moment could you walk away
always, instead,
clearing the stalks to unreachable Truth.