Yesterday morning I stood in the shower.
"I just need something to give me hope that
the future
is gonna be ok.
something
anything
little
so i can breathe a little
easier
 today."
God is funny.
Because He knows good news is best
appreciated
when put next to the
bad stuff.
The worst
hardest
week of my life
turned into
a dream come true that i won't wake up from for another
2 years.
I'm.
Going.
To.
SCAD.

or something very similar.

before the world finds this and makes me hate it.

is relevant.
and will never be the same.
right now i know
(as much as anyone could really say is a sure thing)
a few things:

i should only be allowed to
argue
through letters
or carefully written scripts.
because after the fact,
every emotion i couldn't say
comes back to haunt my sleep.
and every reflex i yelled
or thought
or acted on
clouded any judgement that could've
avoided
the fight in the first place.

i should no longer worry about things that
dont
worry about me.
nothing:
my bank account,
my future,
my past,
my mistakes
my calorie intake
stays up on nights like these
thinking about me.

i should throw out the
picture
i painted of myself in my
head.
i'll never be as
perfect
strong
together
as my photoshopped
cropped and chopped
version
and its time i accept
how extremely ok that is.

i should apply the
same reasoning to
the prince
that was created to
sweep me off my feet.
i deserve amazing love.
maybe not today
or next thursday
but someday its gonna happen.
i'll never find him if i only look
for something that doesn't
exist.

and finally.

i should let go of
the pressure i choose to
not change too much
not stay the same
not miss a beat
not just be
because in 30 days
i'm driving away.
and somehow,
life's gonna have to go on
like it always does.
it's ok.
(i am too.)