I wrote this over a year ago.

Girls get chins hairs.

Get over it.

"For we have all received from His fullness one gracious gift after another."

a car that never leaves me.
hair good enough to never think about.
housemates that care. A lot.
a boss that spoils me.
health.
health.
health.
an able body that reaches and stretches and sweats and burns.
a job career.
having enough.
being enough.
my little corner of a really great house.
my mom. my dad. my sister. my grandma.
a protective heart.
an instinctive head.
my shoe closet.
my scarf collection.
a never-ending supply of vanilla soy milk
and cheerios.
a God that is uninterested in
what i brought
but is obsessed with
how long i'm here.
a disposable(ish) income.
a selfish age.
a single life.
friends that aren't just friends anymore--
they're seats around the table at my
imaginary wedding.
they're praying hands
worried
that i'm doing ok.
they're pokes in my side
to make sure
i am.
for the 12 rock bottoms.
for Bad.
for Worse.
for Better.

Thank you.

I don’t know what to do.

Or maybe I do,
but I don’t have the strength to.
Regardless,
today’s prayer is not just about
peace
like every other day since
June.
Because
God’s not choosy with His
blessings.
Because He wants our ultimate
happiness.
Because He just wants
Us--
in whatever state of emergency
we have found a way to
settle.
Today,
I pray not just for an
outpouring of
Peace,
but also for the
spirit
it takes to
wait for it
or
go find it,
the will
it takes to accept
even if it
never comes.

like most silent sicknesses,
creeps in through the cracks that
sleep
love
contentment
time
failed to fill.
The most believable of lies,
unhappiness is not an emotion.
It's a credible source.
A voice I can't turn down.
An unregistered pain,
undetected
until it gathers in corners--
never collecting dust,
but rather growing,
multiplying,
preparing for it's return.
It convinces me I am not enough.
It plants the option to give up.
It moves in, leaves a mess, refuses to change,
It ignores what I work hardest for:
My body.
My job.
My relationships.
My stability.
And denies any chance to meet Satisfaction.
For every good thing that happens,
I find 17 more that haven't.
The moment I step towards peace,
I retreat to nerves.
It is more than just my nature to live unsettled,
confusing drive for fear--
blurring any difference between
incomplacency and ungratefulness.
It beats in my blood:
the awareness that
nothing
lasts forever and
everything
will turn to gone.
Whether it
walks
runs
hides
away,
the time it will last severely reduces
the moment
I give in to its charm.
Unhappiness has lived here far too long.

Is my favorite part of the day. Not only because of the 17-snack meal I throw in a grocery bag 3 minutes after I'm supposed to be out the door, but because for a whole hour I'm no one's slave but Cosmo's. Or Elle's. (Or Oprah's)

how things always get worse
(to the point of unreality)
before they get good.
and then they get really really good.

about you, on the other side of this bright screen
on the other side of my world,
looking for a part of me to grab
examine,
measure,
keep/trash.

that I am someone's daughter.

that I was born with a heart
and should have been working all along
on getting it to run like one.

that I can't expect different:
outcomes
if I don't change:
intakes.

that true happiness disregards luck.

how all along I waited for purpose
when the key to fulfillment is
filling.

nothing is permanent.
and playing make believe with forever
is no way to live
today.