what would i do if i wasn't so scared?

i'd stay in lincoln.
i'd write a song about wanting to be cool
i'd sing it at graduation.
i'd make a PSA about my humanness,
my inability to commit or be serious.
i'd be the me that makes ben laugh with people that aren't ben.
i'd run in spandex.
i'd be the guy version of myself.
i'd be writing this from Greece.
or Italy.
or Miami.
i'd know without a doubt that SCAD is going to want me.
i'd have a plan B.
i'd have a(n impressive) dating history.
i'd be bald (or the socially acceptable version of it).
i'd have a closet full of clothes i actually like
not just what i think i can pull off.
my phone would never be on.
my hair would never be done.
my bucket list wouldn't exist.
(neither would this blog.)

speechless.

catch you off guard so much
it's impossible 
to even imagine ever being prepared from them.
this song shakes me.
i want to be Adele.

Kraak & Smaak from WEAREWILL on Vimeo.

the weather.
the time of month.
my class load.
my work load.
Nebraska.
South Carolina (for not being Nebraska.)
being a senior.
stress.
let downs.
the future.
the past.
a lack of cash-flow.
a bad day.
a bad month.


and yet in even the best of moments, something is wrong.
uneasiness nags me
apprehension laps me
always faster than my legs pretend to keep up.
These days, the lump in my throat is
permanent.
hug me tight enough
explain your affection
tell me its ok
and it wins.
Sorry:
These days I cry a alot.
I'm moody
and inconsistant
and dealing with the doom of
May--
it's exactly as bad as it seems.
graduation
is making me
crazy.

is Valentine's day and in celebration, I'm:
waking up at 5:15 to workout, study, and do all the homework i didn't do over break,
going to class,
taking a test,
falling asleep in class (because really, it goes 3 hours too long)
camping out in the mac lab until they kick me out,
and ignoring every inclination to be a bitter, single, college senior.
At some point, I'll get a text that says
"Happy Valentine's day. I miss you."
and it won't really mean anything.
Because its a great day to love,
and be open about emotions,
but i have a feeling it has little to do
how we really
feel.
I'll see happy couples,
and couples playing the part,
and wonder if there's something wrong with me,
if i lucked out,
if being alone beats settling for crummy company.
Valentines day has lost its cause on me.
Probably because I'm alone,
but more likely because the day after
treats me
better.

“Teddy told me that in Greek, nostalgia literally means the pain from an old wound. It’s a twinge in your heart, far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn’t a spaceship, it’s a time machine. Goes backwards, forwards, and takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It’s not called ‘The Wheel,’ it’s called ‘The Carousel.’ It lets us travel the way a child travels, round and around and back home again, to a place where we know we are loved.” -Don Draper, Mad Men

and nights like these make me wonder:
if all the stuff i put on my face before bed will ever work
and i'll wake up with flawless skin
if my room will ever be clean again
or if i really am a firework and can ignite it and start over
if i'll ever find a team i love like a boyfriend
if i'll ever find....a boyfriend
if i'll ever not dread valentines day
if i'll make it into grad school
if i'll ever not start homework at 11:30pm
when i get to not be dead broke all the time
if there's a sign on my back that reads:"treat me like an idiot."
if spring is just something that was incepted
and when i won't have to wear boots
why my nails grow so fast
why my hair has been the same awkward length for months
when graduation won't make me nauseous
when i'll break 200
if i'll ever be on the road to spring break
and how does popcorn go from such tiny little ball
to a fluffy delicious snack-time treat.
but mainly i wonder:
why am i still awake.
why does morning come so fast.
why does anything happen before 11am.

is a conspiracy.

If you're wondering how I'm doing... click and read.