rich played this song on the way to minnesota that one weekend. that one weekend before it was all over, before the messy goodbyes and complicated "laters." that long van ride felt like what the author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower would describe as feeling "infinite." 
i remember thinking: this song is really great. someday (after May) this is gonna mean alot more.


i'm not who i was 24 hours ago.
and i'm not copping out.

8: the number of times i cried today.
                (including but not limited to: john the trainer's gym,
                 Fancy Q's sushi bar, facebook chat, etc.)
400: the number of dollars i will spend to see my friends in 2 weeks.
12: the number permanently tattooed on my palm.
                 (some call it obsession. i call it motivation)
9: the number of workouts i squeezed into a 5 day period.
0: the number of pounds i have lost in 2.5 weeks.
12: the number of frustration on a scale from 1 to Pissed.
22,000: the number of dollars that equal the hole in my financial aid when crossing the bridge to SCAD.
17: the number of books i picked up before committing to one.
6: the number of weeks i committed to the Bonefish Grill Bowling League.
3: the number of people i don't despise working with.
2: the number of managers (out of 2 managers) that have had DUI's in the last month.
5: the number of broken things i've yet to fix on Donny.
44: the number of years it will take for me to be an art director.
188: the number of hispanics that will be crammed into a tiny room tomorrow morning.

• missing people feels pointless. space is space. time is time. and you have to stop thinking about what's not there.
• mean people suck. they suck more than anything has ever sucked before.
• when things are bad, they're gonna get worse before they get better. every time. without exceptions.
• i spend a lot of time on things that will end up getting ruined: 
• my hair. 
• the BFG kitchen.
• my squeaky clean reputation.
• laundry.
• i put all my faith in the promise of progress: Rome wasn't built in one day.
• i enjoy the workweek more than the weekend.
• i center my day on how much closer i am to fitting into that tiny little dress hanging on my closet door.
• crocs. sneakers. rinse. repeat.
• i'm obsessed with my obsession/career/future.
• i'm not afraid. of anything.
• i turned my coworkers into friends.
• i watch 2 channels at a time.
• john the trainer doesn't hide his faith me. it's everything i lack.
• i discover a new way to eat grilled chicken everyday. 
• argentina is in the horizon.
• summer is slipping away from me.
• i dream about nebraska, pre separation anxiety.
• everything reminds me of that one night last august.

is not an emotion.