1:23

1:24 AM

I write how I feel.
The thing about emotions is that regardless of how they're classified,
they're selfish.
They hog the show from what you know.
I'm ok with scooping up the frantic spills and piling them on this screen,
but maybe I've let the loud-mouthed sentiments outshine the
soft-spoken sense.

Single. Alone. Fact.
Even as I type that I'm resisting the urge to fake a "no really it's ok."
No more apologies. No more formalities.
I don't know why I'm single.
I don't know why I have been my entire life.
I do know that this makes me a professional on the topic, though, because really.
23 years of practice is enough time to master anything.

What I know about being single is not equal to what being single has caused me to feel.
Because being single is not an emotion.

It's not a state of mind, or a mood swing. It's not just a feeling I wake up with and work on.
Obsession makes it a burden; carelessness makes it an embarrassment when in fact
I'm single and I'm perfectly fine with it. 
Finally.
Tell me what it is that I have to give to never hear
"The moment you stop looking, you'll find something" again.
I promise:
I stopped looking 4 years ago when I first heard that.
I don't understand what it is about not searching that primes you to be found. 
When I find things I no longer need it renders them pretty useless.
Sure, it's not always easy.
I managed to find the world best looking friends and yes,
everyone around me has someone. 
All of the "hads" then find other "hads" to be had with,
leaving us unhave-hads to fend for ourselves.
(What I find most interesting about single girls and their single friends is that
the more singles in a group, the less they last as singles.)
Being single this long has caused a worry that I am a lost cause--
That I might be one of those people that never finds a true match. 
That maybe God made me a little too complex (crazy).
That trusting in His plan also means trusting that this is not my last lonely year.
In fact, there may be many, many more to come. 
I'm not sure what all this is to say other than ok.
His stars will not align for me quite yet.
In fact, I don't even bother looking at the sky anymore. 
But if it happens to keep you up at night, really. 
I'm too busy looking at other amazing things, anyway, and 
I'm not missing out.

Share This Story

Tags:

You Might Also Like

0 comments

Subscribe