I don’t know what to do.
Or maybe I do,
but I don’t have the strength to.
Regardless,
today’s prayer is not just about
peace
like every other day since
June.
Because
God’s not choosy with His
blessings.
Because He wants our ultimate
happiness.
Because He just wants
Us--
in whatever state of emergency
we have found a way to
settle.
Today,
I pray not just for an
outpouring of
Peace,
but also for the
spirit
it takes to
wait for it
or
go find it,
the will
it takes to accept
even if it
never comes.
Or maybe I do,
but I don’t have the strength to.
Regardless,
today’s prayer is not just about
peace
like every other day since
June.
Because
God’s not choosy with His
blessings.
Because He wants our ultimate
happiness.
Because He just wants
Us--
in whatever state of emergency
we have found a way to
settle.
Today,
I pray not just for an
outpouring of
Peace,
but also for the
spirit
it takes to
wait for it
or
go find it,
the will
it takes to accept
even if it
never comes.
I've decided to end October
with a bang.
(Pun intentions unclear.)
It's not that I have all that much
to say on the topic,
because really,
who volunteers for such
discomfort.
I just think
I've got it all wrong/
It's time to get it right.
I can already say:
I'm either
a big fat liar
or
in the deepest of denial
to think
God doesn't have much to do with it--
as if up until
this sudden reveal
they lived in separate
territories.
Maturity is:
pride in the things that
most make you
blush.
Days like today
arrows, lines, Arial Bold,
make it impossible to see
any kind of lit tunnel.
Pinterest tells me
life is an
adventure.
The kind you choose,
not the result of unfortunate sarcasm.
Today was not an adventure.
Today was
directionals.
Black on white.
Square cut.
Obvious.
I am grateful for stability
and if I were to be completely
blog honest,
I'd wish for a change of
heart
not a change of
jobbodymaritalstatuswardrobeiphone.
I am of the Comparables,
too busy looking around
instead of standing up
straight
against the wall
and measuring up.
To myself.
Everytime.
This never made sense until just now.
Wow.
like most silent sicknesses,
creeps in through the cracks that
sleep
love
contentment
time
failed to fill.
The most believable of lies,
unhappiness is not an emotion.
It's a credible source.
A voice I can't turn down.
An unregistered pain,
undetected
until it gathers in corners--
never collecting dust,
but rather growing,
multiplying,
preparing for it's return.
It convinces me I am not enough.
It plants the option to give up.
It moves in, leaves a mess, refuses to change,
It ignores what I work hardest for:
My body.
My job.
My relationships.
My stability.
And denies any chance to meet Satisfaction.
For every good thing that happens,
I find 17 more that haven't.
The moment I step towards peace,
I retreat to nerves.
It is more than just my nature to live unsettled,
confusing drive for fear--
blurring any difference between
incomplacency and ungratefulness.
It beats in my blood:
the awareness that
nothing
lasts forever and
everything
will turn to gone.
Whether it
walks
runs
hides
away,
the time it will last severely reduces
the moment
I give in to its charm.
Unhappiness has lived here far too long.
Because I can't afford the weak alternative.
Is my favorite part of the day. Not only because of the 17-snack meal I throw in a grocery bag 3 minutes after I'm supposed to be out the door, but because for a whole hour I'm no one's slave but Cosmo's. Or Elle's. (Or Oprah's)
I hardly have time to match my left shoe to my right these days. All you need to know is that this song and a daily supply of my body-weight in Coke Zero is what preserves the negligible ounce of sanity still left around here.
somewhere.
