This is my blog and i do what i want.

Even if that means making angry posts and being a little emo,
or finding cry-worthy humor in things that no one understands,
or obsessing about my weight
my future
and my heart.

This is me, down.
Because I know that the hardest thing and right thing
are the same.
Because i deserve better than what i chose to
put myself through.
Because happy is a choice
and a lot of days i'd rather not.

I don't know if this is allowed:
but I love Jesus
and I want to flip off the world.
Love and kindness has met
not giving a flip about anyone or anything
and neither side is one to lose.
Something has to give.
I'm assuming the one-month deadline to
take advantage of life before it gets real has
gotten to my
head.
Like i said,
graduation has made us all a little crazy.
But if what i leave behind
doesn't ruin the future a little bit,
I guess leaving won't be the hardest part.
I hope it's hard.
I hope I'm missed.
I hope my absence hurts.
Because everyone deserves to be
the missing piece
the one that got away
the reason to regret what wasn't said and done.
I'm sorry for being selfish
but actually,
I'm not.
everyone gets their moment.
and this is the month that
I take full advantage of that excuse.

I'm shuffling. If i survive the next month, I'm doing this dance across the stage to get my diploma.

a year makes.
even a few months.
because i was fine before leaving for christmas,
but holy cow
this is my last spring break,
my last break
and when i get back
i have

1.
Month.

the brick in my stomach won't go away.

here's to nothing but good times.
and the south.

past the point i always stop,
until there was more behind me than in
front.
until my legs fell off
but didn't.
until i was sure i would die
but instead
was more alive than i've been in weeks.
until there were
no problems (to fix)
no decisions (to make)
no hurt (to ignore)
no insecurity (to fake)
no one around except
shakira and jillian michaels.
i ran
to here:
the place that's
hard to be at
impossible to leave
inevitably holding on for dear
life,
the kind i should be living to the
fullest,
full.
i ran
until i forgot
until i remembered
until it was quiet,
past ok
past fine
straight to the best
(only)
Mariela Cosentino
that ever lived,
automatically perfect due to lack of
competition.
i ran
outside myself
beside myself
until i caught up,
lapped the failures,
feeling good.
really, really good.

At the risk of being a
corny
pop-song-quoter,
I'm going to
change the voices in my head--
make them like me instead.

know where its at.

they haven't met my dad.

stronger
than you think.
heather's latest post makes me realize:
"this, too, shall pass" isn't just a great quote.
just when i think i'll never make it,
i do.
and another week passes.
and another pound disappears.
and another poster gets printed.
and another mile flies by.
and another "to do" is done.
and another fear is conquered.
and another red "A" stains the top of an assignment.
and another
another
another prayer is answered.
Because:
I got to wake up,
I got to do what I love,
be with who I love,
understand Love as others
never will.
even if that means that I
doubt the journey
or the kind of run it will take to get me
here

this is farther than ever expected.
I am stronger than I ever want to understand.