and I'm choosing to be skinny and in the Bahamas.
Help.
I write how I feel.
The thing about emotions is that regardless of how they're classified,
they're selfish.
They hog the show from what you know.
I'm ok with scooping up the frantic spills and piling them on this screen,
but maybe I've let the loud-mouthed sentiments outshine the
soft-spoken sense.
Single. Alone. Fact.
Even as I type that I'm resisting the urge to fake a "no really it's ok."
No more apologies. No more formalities.
I don't know why I'm single.
I don't know why I have been my entire life.
I do know that this makes me a professional on the topic, though, because really.
23 years of practice is enough time to master anything.
What I know about being single is not equal to what being single has caused me to feel.
Because being single is not an emotion.
The thing about emotions is that regardless of how they're classified,
they're selfish.
They hog the show from what you know.
I'm ok with scooping up the frantic spills and piling them on this screen,
but maybe I've let the loud-mouthed sentiments outshine the
soft-spoken sense.
Single. Alone. Fact.
Even as I type that I'm resisting the urge to fake a "no really it's ok."
No more apologies. No more formalities.
I don't know why I'm single.
I don't know why I have been my entire life.
I do know that this makes me a professional on the topic, though, because really.
23 years of practice is enough time to master anything.
What I know about being single is not equal to what being single has caused me to feel.
Because being single is not an emotion.
It's not a state of mind, or a mood swing. It's not just a feeling I wake up with and work on.
Obsession makes it a burden; carelessness makes it an embarrassment when in fact
I'm single and I'm perfectly fine with it.
Finally.
Tell me what it is that I have to give to never hear
"The moment you stop looking, you'll find something" again.
I promise:
I stopped looking 4 years ago when I first heard that.
I don't understand what it is about not searching that primes you to be found.
When I find things I no longer need it renders them pretty useless.
Sure, it's not always easy.
I managed to find the world best looking friends and yes,
everyone around me has someone.
All of the "hads" then find other "hads" to be had with,
leaving us unhave-hads to fend for ourselves.
(What I find most interesting about single girls and their single friends is that
the more singles in a group, the less they last as singles.)
Being single this long has caused a worry that I am a lost cause--
That I might be one of those people that never finds a true match.
That maybe God made me a little too complex (crazy).
That trusting in His plan also means trusting that this is not my last lonely year.
In fact, there may be many, many more to come.
I'm not sure what all this is to say other than ok.
His stars will not align for me quite yet.
In fact, I don't even bother looking at the sky anymore.
But if it happens to keep you up at night, really.
I'm too busy looking at other amazing things, anyway, and
I'm not missing out.
simple trade show order?
Did I just spend 9 minutes of work time reading
just in case I someday (SOON) find myself in LA, ready to bid on
denture cream?
Yup.
tentatively:
- complete the color run in April without stopping.
- have a 2 piece as an option by summer.
- fix my stupid credit / work on savings
- Travel:
- spend my birthday in New York
- go on a cruise to somewhere far
- take time off for a mission trip
- find someone to keep me accountable
- finish reading all the books in my nightstand: at least one a month.
- join a yoga studio
- take and post one photo shoot a month
- .....tat.
- wonder woman. halloween. no excuses.
01/02:
- join a band/praise team/garage jam
- eat my way through chattanooga: 2 new restaurants a month.
- cancel negative thoughts, one by one. everyday.
There are dreams that cannot be,
and there storms we cannot weather.
and there storms we cannot weather.
I wrote this over a year ago.
and didn't even know the half of it.
In case you missed it I:
moved to Tennessee.
found incredible roommates.
lost some weight.
(30 pounds since last year,
50 pounds total.)
ran the happiest 5K in the world.
fell for someone who really messed things up.
started working full time
(and part time, too, when times were rough).
struggled with a southern accent
and with depression--
making saints of
everyone in a
37 mile radius.
trekked New York with
friends and foreigners,
as well as
Berrien Springs
Lexington, KY
Kansas City
Sunny Florida
and every Tennesee podunk in between.
gave even less flips.
learned
learned
learned:
defense
argumenting
every inch of Illustrator
apologizing
not apologizing
yoga
proper posture
friendship unmaintanence
customer service
ya'lls
honesty
budgeting
substrates
switched to expensive makeup (=)
I became a woman.
missed my parents.
And simpler times.
And became one of those people that
go to sleep at
9.
I lived for weekends
Until I realized that's not
living.
I addicted myself to live music.
went to a cornbread festival?
straddled too young/too old.
I still suck at volleyball,
and have such a long way to
contentment.
But even after losing count of
rock bottoms
I showed this year who's boss.
